Category: Lost But Not Forgotten

Wish You Were Here

Brent, there is so much that I never had the chance to say to you. I harbor guilt and pain as I think of our last conversation. I put so much of my fear on you when all you were trying to do was receive help with your own. I knew what was in your heart, I knew I couldn’t heal it and I was afraid to hear everything you had to say.

I let you down and in that aspect I let myself down. In so many ways I have continued to let us both down.
You are my hero Brent. I know I told you that on the last night that we talked to one another. I found it so ironic that why I was envious of everything that you are, you were equally envious of everything that I had done. How does that happen do you think?

You were always there when I needed you. Always willing to listen to the pain that I held in my heart about the unfairness we both shared by being adopted. The inequality that still exists today. Big surprise, you would say. I suppose you would be right.

I miss you Brent. My heart is so heavy without you. Today, what would be your 45th, is especially painful. I had come to so depend on you and I looked up to you. Your strength and sense of duty was admirable. However, I do suspect that that sense of duty also took you from us much too soon.

I know the pain you felt in your heart and in your head. I still share some of that pain. When my grade posted for my writing class last week, I couldn’t help but think of you. You would have been my biggest champion and supporter as I decided to go back to school. I knew you would have been so very proud of me.
As I face the future, I find that I am as unsure and as scared as I ever was walking out of high school. Mom and Dad will not be at my graduation, and neither will you. I am feeling alone and awash in a sea of confusion and sadness.

You never got the chance to meet Brently. Beautiful, blonde, vivacious and so precocious! You would have just loved spending time with her. As a toddler she was the spitting image of Heather. I named her after you. Although her name has changed to Elizabeth Brently, she still honor’s your memory for the family. You would also have loved the Troops. Zack is just so bright and so special. You would have been able to relate to his pain of not being able to participate in everything that he would like to. Also like you, Zack has such a big heart and is so full of compassion. Kadee and Brad are so amazing! Brently has such a good future ahead of her in their home. Zack needed her and I just could not take her away.

I suspect that I will always feel this empty space in my heart. I hate the holidays without you. I struggle to understand, but I doubt I ever will. Is it strength or weakness that allows suicide to happen? I am not sure…not then and not now.

I love you Brent and I so miss you!
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!

In loving memory of my brother, Brent and my Union brother, Rocky. May you both R.I.P.